Hawwy Pottew and the Phiwosophew's Stowne
by ChaosWorld
Summary: As they ran away from Filch, the three Gryffindors found themselves trapped in a dead end, the doors ahead of them locked. "Wet me twy!" Hermione said. "I know a speww to unwock it!" She pointed her wand at the lock. "Awo- awohamow- awohawmwa- amwohamawa- f***!" Hermione cursed. — AU where everything's the same except Hogwarts starts at age 6 and I let the kids swear.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter was proud to say that he was a perfectly normal six year old, thank you very fucking much. He lived with his aunt and uncle, who had taken him in when his parents died, and as the second child in their home he slept in the inferior bedroom, the smaller one with stairs overtop. He liked to read many kinds of books, from non-fiction to fantasy. Particularly fantasy, as his aunt and uncle hated it. Harry understood this. Harry's cousin Dudley was much bigger and stronger than he was, and this preserved the natural hierarchy of birth order. If little Harry had magic, he might unseat Dudley from his high station and take the glory of first childhood (and the larger bedroom) for himself. His aunt and uncle, having had Dudley longer, were more attached to Dudley and did not want the balance upset, and so they kept Harry away from fantasy. Harry, in turn, read as much fantasy as he could get his grubby little hands on.

At the moment, little Harry was in his inferior bedroom, reading his illicit fictional tales. He thought he heard his aunt Petunia coming, so he stowed the books away. Soon, she was knocking on his door.

"Hewwo? Aunt Petewia?" Harry answered.

"Dinner is in _five minutes._ If you're even a minute late, I'm giving your plate to Dudley."

"I'ww be thewe soon." Harry promised. Dudley would be five minutes late to dinner playing his video games, and Harry would attempt to steal his dinner and be stopped. Such was life as a youngest child.

Harry knew that if he wanted to get ahead, he could never give up. Every day he had to do his very best to take a little more than was given to him, until eventually he overthrew Dudley and could take his stupid video games. And nice bedroom. And healthy food portions. Someday, he would have it all.

But for now, he had only what he took without being noticed. He slipped out of his room to see where all the food was. Most of it was still in the kitchen with his aunt, but a dish of hot chips was out on the table, and her back was turned. He crept quietly out, eyes fixed on the unattended food. He grabbed a handful of chips and slunk back to his room unnoticed. Another victory.

He came to dinner right on time, while Dudley answered his mother's call with "just a few mowe minutes!" Harry managed to sneak an entire chicken nugget off his plate without being noticed, an unusual occurrence. Dudley seemed confused by the amount of food on his plate, but said nothing, as Harry was nearly finished his. Harry had to eat fast, since he would likely soon be sent on a chore, and the moment he left his plate its contents were forfeit.

As expected, the post arrived, and Harry was sent to fetch it. He quickly shoved the rest of his food into his mouth, much to Dudley's annoyance, and went to perform the task. Most of the mail was boring grown up shit for his uncle, but there was also an unusual looking envelope addressed to Harry. Harry had never received mail before, and doubted his aunt and uncle would allow him to. But what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them until later. On his way to the table, he discreetly tossed his letter (_his_ letter!) into his room. He brought the boring adult garbage to his uncle, and brought his plate to the kitchen. The plate seemed, if possible, even emptier than he'd left it. The missing nugget must've made Dudley desperate.

With nothing more expected from him but silence, Harry retired to his room to read his letter. It was addressed to him, directly, specifying even the location of his bedroom, though for some reason it was referred to as a "cupboard". Harry carefully opened the envelope without making any sound. He read the letter carefully.

Then he read it again.

Oh _hell_ yes.

That bedroom was _his_.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry began to concoct his plan. His relatives would never let him go to learn magic, and he would surely be in deep trouble if he were caught trying, but he had to take his chance.

The letter said he needed to write back with his response and send it by owl, by his 6th birthday at the latest. He searched his room for the pen and notepad he'd stolen from his aunt Petunia. He soon found them, and flipped through his drawings to a fresh sheet. He paused to think for a moment, then began to write the following letter:

_DEER HOGWART_

_I AM HARRY PoTTER_

_I GoT YOUR LETTER_

_I WANT TO LEARN MAGiK_

_BUT MY AUNT AND_

_UNKLE WOOD NOT_

_WANT ME TOO_

_BUT THEY CANT_

_STOP ME IM_

_GOiNG_

_SINSERLEY, HARRY_

Satisfied with the letter, Harry tucked the notebook into his pocket. Next came the hard part: he had to find an owl. Harry supposed he would have to sneak out to find one, and he'd have to do it at nighttime. He couldn't even leave his room right now, as his aunt Petunia was still in the kitchen cleaning up. He would have to wait. Harry pulled out one of his secret books to pass the time.

* * *

Harry waited as long as he could stand to before going. That wasn't a very long time, but he managed to wait long enough for his relatives to all be in their rooms upstairs. He slipped out of the house with the sun just beginning to set. Harry stood right outside the door, as he realized that he wasn't quite sure where to find an owl. Owls were birds. Birds lived in trees, mostly, Harry thought. Where were there trees? There were some near the park. Would owls live next to a park? Harry was uncertain, but he knew he couldn't give up now. No going back. Only going to Hogwarts. He set off to the park.

Nobody in the neighbourhood payed attention to Harry, if they noticed him at all. He made his way to the park completely unhindered, and was pleased to find it free of other people. Harry took out his notepad and faced the trees.

"Hewwo? Is anybody thewe?" He called into the trees.

There was only silence.

"I have a wettew. I weawwy need to send it."

Harry thought he heard rustling. He waited eagerly to see what it was.

A moment later, he saw a glint of eyes on a high branch. They seemed to be inspecting him.

"Hewwo?"

An owl fluttered down to the ground in front of him. Harry tore his letter from the notepad and held it out.

"I need to send this to Hogwaws. It's vewy impowtant."

The owl looked at Harry sceptically.

"Pwese?"

The owl just stared at Harry, as though it was waiting for something.

Harry felt at a lump in his second pocket. He still had the stolen chicken nugget from dinner, hidden there.

"If you dewivew it I'ww give you a chicken nugget."

The owl came a little closer. Harry held up the nugget. The owl let out a soft hoot, staring up at it.

Harry held out his letter, and the owl took it in its beak. It took off, snatching up the chicken nugget in its talons. Harry watched it fly away as long as he could make it out in the fading light, then made the trek back home. More waiting for Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts, was having a very long day. Earlier, she'd been paying visits to muggle households to explain that their six year old children were magical, which never failed to be an exhausting experience. Once it had gotten too late to continue, she had returned to her office to tackle the influx of paperwork that had piled up in her absence. There were confirmations for new first year students to be registered, notices from older students who were not returning, questions about Hogsmeade from muggle parents of third years, and other assorted bullshit that she had to stay on top of. It was very late, but there would be more in the morning, so she couldn't afford to leave it for later.

She was just thinking she'd be in bed before 1 AM when she heard a scraping at her window. She'd closed it hours ago, when it was getting too cold to leave it open for owls. The one now perched outside had what looked like muggle made paper in its beak, and was standing off balance. Minerva sighed and let it in. The owl fluttered onto her desk, scattering parchment with its wings, and dropping the paper from its beak and a chicken nugget from its talon. It scooped up the chicken nugget and gulped it down before fluttering back out the window.

With a sense of foreboding, Minerva bent down to retrieve the delivery. It was written, or rather scrawled clumsily, in blue pen. This was not the kind of letter that came from a wizarding home by owl. She started to read. It was riddled with spelling and grammatical errors she knew that only small children could make. It had been clear before she picked the letter up that something was seriously wrong, and it only took two lines of the letter for her to know what it was.

"I am Harry Potter"

She needed to show this to Albus.

* * *

After sending a quick message to Albus, after waving her wand to reorganize her desk space, and after summoning a variety of beverages from a shelf (she wasn't yet certain which one she would need), Minerva sat back in her chair and waited, Harry's letter in front of her, for the Headmaster to arrive. It was just past 1 AM when she heard the knock on the door of her office.

"Come in."

Albus Dumbledore opened the door with a soft creak, then raised his eyebrows at the sight of her desk.

"Coffee, tea, _and_ firewhiskey? Doesn't that seem excessive, Minerva?"

"I hope it is, but I don't know how long this is going to take to deal with." She conjured a nice, practical chair for him to sit in.

Albus looked slightly concerned at her words, but still took the time to add ridiculously plush cushions to his chair before sitting in it. Minerva was too on edge to roll her eyes at this.

Albus seemed to be waiting for her to explain, so Minerva pushed the letter towards him. "This came in about half an hour ago."

Albus read the letter with a thoroughly indiscernible expression. "This came by owl?"

"It did."

"How did he even get an owl?"

"I think it was feral and he bribed it."

"Bribed?"

"It had a chicken nugget."

Albus gave her a look like he was in great psychological pain. "We'll start with the firewhiskey."


	4. Chapter 4

It was Harry's 6th birthday, and he was bursting with excitement. Today was the day he would be going into Diagon Ally to get his things for school. He clutched his shopping list in his pocket. Today he would be going to get his school robes, his cauldron, his books, and his very own magic wand. He just had to wait for Professor McGonagall to arrive.

Harry had been picked up from his house the morning after sending his letter. It had involved a great deal of shouting between his uncle and the large man who had come to collect Harry, but the large man had shouted far louder than even Vernon Dursley could, so Harry had been allowed to go. The man, whose name was Hagrid, had brought Harry to an inn just outside the Ally. That had been the day before, and Harry was now restless as he had been told not to leave on his own.

When the knock finally came to his door, Harry was quick to open it.

"Hewwo yes I'm weady to go!" Harry said.

"Are you ready to- oh. Alright, let's go then." McGonagall replied.

They had the whole day to shop, so Harry took his time to look around in all the shops they visited. First, though, Harry had to get his money from the bank. Harry never knew he had a bank vault, but seeing all the contents of it made him feel slightly more confident that he could one day unseat Dudley.

"If I give you your vault key, can you promise you won't lose it?" McGonagall asked him as they left the bank.

"I nevew wose anyfing." Harry replied.

McGonagall seemed skeptical, but handed him the key. Harry stowed it away in his deepest pocket.

"Keep it secwet. Keep it safe." Harry whispered to himself.

"What was that, Harry?" McGonagall asked.

"Whewe awe we going fiwst?" Harry replied.

"Let's start with your school robes."

Soon, they had purchased nearly all of Harry's school supplies, as well as several extra items Harry chose, including a nice sketchbook. All that was left was for Harry to get was his wand.

Harry and McGonagall were on their way to do so when another shop caught Harry's eye.

"I wanna get an owow." Harry announced.

McGonagall recalled the chicken nugget being dropped onto her desk.

"That's a very good idea, Harry."

They went in, and Harry immediately locked eyes with a snowy white owl.

"I want that one." He said, pointing to it.

The shopkeeper chuckled. "You wouldn't be the first. But you know what they say, the owl chooses the wizard."

"I want that one." Harry repeated.

The owl shuffled right up to the bars of the cage, peering down at him.

"Why don't I introduce you to her and we'll see?" The shopkeeper replied. "Hold your arm out for her to land on."

He opened the cage, and the owl fluttered down onto Harry's arm in front of him.

"What's hew name?" Harry asked, stroking the top of the owl's head with his free hand.

"She doesn't have one yet. Seems like it's up to you to give her one."

Harry pulled his arm in closer, until his forehead was touching the owl's and thought to her, I name you Lucifer, Destroyer of Cousins.

"I'ww caww hew Wuci." Harry said.

He paid for the owl, and finally went to buy his wand.

Harry went into Ollivander's alone, and at first found nobody there.

"Hewwo?" He called. "Is thewe anybody thewe?"

Soon, Ollivander came up to the counter. "Ah, Harry Potter. I've been expecting you."

"You'we weiwd." Harry said.

Ollivander laughed. "Let's see... yes, first year student. We'll find you a match from... here." He rummaged through some drawers and produced a wand. "Cherry, unicorn hair core, nine and a half inches. Give it a wave."

Harry did, and nothing happened.

Ollivander took the wand back. "It's never the first one, is it. How about... Willow, dragon heartstring core, ten inches."

This wand too, produced no effect.

"Let's see what else I have here... Pine, unicorn hair core, eight and three quarter inches."

Harry waved it, and was again disappointed.

"Tricky customer? Those are always the most fun. We'll find a match for you yet."

Harry tried dozens of wands, of nearly every length and wood available, but still did not find one that suited him. After a wand of Holly produced a strange crackling sound, Ollivander paused before searching for a replacement.

"Why the Holly? Could it be that... we'll just have to see."

He disappeared into the very back of his shop, and returned with another wand.

"Holly, Phoenix tail feather core, eleven inches. I'm not even sure what I want the result to be."

Harry took the wand and immediately knew something was different. It was like he could feel it humming under his fingers. He waved it, and it shot out burning red sparks.

"So it is that one." Ollivander said. "Now, I will need that back."

Baffled, Harry returned the wand. Ollivander put it in a box, wrote something on the box, and placed it on a separate shelf.

"You aren't allowed to have a regular wand until you are eleven." Ollivander explained. "They can be quite dangerous. It will stay on that shelf until you come to pick it up for your fifth year of school." Ollivander then gave Harry a longer, slightly thicker wand. "Until then, you will use this training wand at school. It isn't as likely to break or accidentally hurt someone, it won't cast any curses, and it is a perfect match to the wand that just chose you. This kind of wand is weaker, but less choosy. They tend to work for anybody, but still perform best for their true master. If you lose it, you'll still have the wand that chose you waiting, and you can easily replace the training wand."

Harry stared at the wand in his hand. He could feel it like the other one, but it was softer. He wanted the smaller wand back.

"Strange, though, that this wand should choose you." Ollivander continued. "Or perhaps not strange at all. You should know, Harry, that the Phoenix who gave the feathers in your wands, also gave two others. The wand that just chose you is the twin of the one that gave you that scar."

"My caw cwash scaw?" Harry asked.

"Never mind me." Ollivander said. "That will be seven Galleons."

"You weawwy awe a weiwd owd man." Harry commented as he paid.


	5. The Fewwowship is Formed

The day had arrived. Harry and Professor McGonagall were at the train station, headed to a platform that Harry could not understand, or even pronounce. He was going to go to the platform, he was going to get on the train, and he was going to go to Hogwarts. Nobody could stop him, not even his stupid uncle. Harry was going to Hogwarts and he was going to learn how to be like Gandalf. He was going to blow shit up with his magic wand and turn himself invisible. He was going to make a magic sword and call it Sting. It would glow when his cousin was nearby and it was going be the coolest fucking thing that ever existed.

At the moment, however, he was at train station full of boring normal people who were giving Luci weird looks. Harry could sense that she felt insulted both by the staring and the manner of her transport. He hoped she wouldn't be angry about the cage. He hadn't wanted to put her in it for the trip, but Professor McGonagall said he had to. Adults could be so boring.

They were approaching the barrier between platforms nine and ten, when Harry spotted a large family of people with red hair. He first noticed them due to the owl that was with one of them. Were these people wizards too?

Professor McGonagall seems relieved to see them. "Good morning, Mrs. Weasley."

The red haired woman herding the group looked for who had called her, and appeared surprised when she saw who it was. "Professor? I thought you'd be already at the school."

"I'll be heading over soon. I just have one thing to see to first. I'm here with a new student, from a non magical home, and he's never been on the platform. Would you be able to make sure he gets on the train?"

Mrs. Weasley turned her gaze over to Harry, with an expression that Harry could only describe as similar to how his Aunt Petunia looked at his cousin.

"Yes, of course I can help him. What's his name?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

"I'm Hawwy." Harry said.

"Well, Harry, you'll be in the same year as my son Ronald here. He's been on the platform before, so he can show you how to get on."

* * *

Harry and Ron sat in their train compartment. Luci was out of her cage, and Ron was telling Harry stories about Hogwarts he'd heard from his brothers. He had five older brothers, which Harry could only assume was a terrible situation. His brothers all had magic too, and had been practicing longer. They were comrades in arms, yet Ron was fighting a grander war. Harry knew little about Ron, but he already had a deep respect for him.

Early in the trip, a boy named Neville had stopped by, asking if they had seen his pet toad, which they hadn't. Now, they could hear voices approaching. One was Neville, and the other was someone they had not met yet.

"Are you sure you already asked them, Neville?"

"Yes, and they said they haven't seen a toad."

"Well, nobody else has either. You might as well ask again. Maybe he turned up since the first time."

Harry and Ron looked at each other warily. Neither of them wanted to meet the owner of that voice. It sounded like someone who was bossy and annoying and rule abiding and didn't understand fun.

Harry whispered to Ron, "Don't wowwy, I know what to do."

Just a season the new mystery voice pushed open their compartment door, Harry drew his wand and held it with both hands in front of him, like a miniature staff.

Before the door was fully open, the newcomer started to speak. "Has anyone hewe seen a to-"

Harry let his wand issue a stream of sparks as he shouted, "YOU SHAWW NOT PASS!" And then slammed it down in front of a very surprised girl with a burst of crackling light.

"Who the _fuck_ awe you?" She said.

"I'm Hawwy." Harry replied.

The girl extended her hand to him. "My name is Hewmione. Hewmione Gwanger. I've nevew met someone my age who wead The Wowd of the Wings."

Harry shook her hand. "Weww, I'm onwy just stawting The Fewwowship of the Wing. I finished The Hobbit though."

"I just finished The Wetuwn of the King this summew." Hermione said. "I pwomise I won't spoiw it fow you."

Harry gave her a single nod of his head. "The pact is seawed." He turned to face Ron, who was still in his seat, looking confused. "Won, this is ouw new fwiend Hewmione. She's coow as fuck."

Hermione grinned. "Okay, but have eithew of you seen a toad?"

"The answew is stiww no." Harry replied.

"Weww, it was nice meeting you." Hermione said. "I'm going back to my compawtment. You shouwd weawwy change into youw schoow wobes. We'ww be awwiving soon." She turned and left, a baffled Neville trailing behind her.

Harry and Ron took her advice and put on their school robes once she was gone.

"Just wike Gandawf." Harry whispered.

"What was that?" Ron asked.

"How wong untiw we awe thewe?" Harry asked.

"I dunno, maybe hawf an houw?" Ron replied. "Maybe soonew. I hope so, I'm hungwy."

Neither of them was sure of the time it took, but soon they felt the train pulling to a stop. Harry goaded a reluctant Luci back into her cage, and the two boys stepped off the train into Hogsmead Station.

"FIRS' YEARS OVER HERE! FIRS' YEARS THIS WAY!" Boomed a voice Harry would recognize anywhere.

"That's the man who yewwed at my uncwe untiw he wet me come hewe!" Harry said to Ron.

Following Hagrid, Harry and Ron were met again by Hermione.

"Hewwo Hawwy! Hewwo Won!" Hermione said.

"We shaww be The Fewwowship of the Hog." Harry said.

They saw that Hagrid was leading them to a lake, at the edge of which were many small boats and one not small boat.

"No more than four students per boat!" Hagrid said to them, getting into the larger boat alone.

"Just wike Wothwowian." Hermione said.

"Just wike what?" Harry asked.

"Shit." Hermione replied. "You awen't that faw in yet. I said nothing."

The three of them claimed a boat, and accepted Neville as their fourth passenger. Once all the new students were settled in the boats, they began to row themselves to the school.

* * *

And now, the students waited to face their first trial: the Sorting.

It seemed that none of the first years knew how they were to be sorted into their houses. Ron told Harry that none of his brothers would tell him how it worked, except for the twins, who claimed you had to fight a troll. That sounded like it had to be a lie, but Harry was still nervous. He didn't have any training yet, how could he fight a troll?

He tried to calm himself. Bilbo didn't have any training when he faced trolls either. He would be fine, even if it was a long wait till sunrise. Would the troll have a cave with a magic sword in it? That would make it worthwhile.

Harry got so excited about the prospect of a sword that he was almost disappointed when it turned out that they just had to put on an old hat that would decide what house to put them in. At least it was kind of an interesting hat. It sang a song before the sorting started, which Harry thought was thematically appropriate. It seemed to take longer to sort some people than others, and Harry wondered how it decided. He'd have to wonder for a little while, since they were being called forward in alphabetical order by last name.

Harry paid particularly close attention when Hermione was called forward. She sat on the little stool and put on the hat, and it looked like it was going to shout something right away, but it paused. After a few seconds consideration, it announced 'GRYFFINDOR!' and she went to join the cheering students under the red and gold banners.

After what was either a horribly long time or just ten anxious minutes, Harry was called to be sorted. The noise in the hall hushed to a low murmur as Harry walked up to the stool. He wasn't sure why everywhere he went, wizards paid so much attention to him. He also didn't give a single fuck. He sat on the stool and dropped the mysterious hat over his eyes.

"Oh dear." A voiced muttered in his ear. "You are an... interesting child."

"Ummm... thank you?" Harry replied. He wasn't sure what the hat was talking about.

"You, Harry, are a perfect fit for Slytherin house if I've ever sorted one."

"_Nooooo_." Harry whispered back. "Not Swiverwin." He'd heard a bit about the house, and he was sure as fuck that he did not want to be in it.

"Oh come on now. It's an obvious choice. You're determined, ambitious, and rather clever for your age. You would do so well there."

"I don't _want_ to be a Swiverwin." Harry replied.

"And weirdly self centred too. It's like you were born for this house."

"But I don't _wanna_."

"You are being a ridiculous child."

"Don't wanna be a Swiverwin."

"Be reasonable for a moment. Slytherin is the best house for you, it's quite obvious."

"_I. Don't. Wanna_."

"Listen here you little shit. You will do well in Slytherin. Don't you want to do well?"

"I wanna not be a Swiverwin."

"You are the worst child I have ever been placed on. Do you know how many terrible children I've sorted? Thousands of children since I was first enchanted. Many generations of bratty little gremlins who grab at me with their grubby, unwashed hands. And you, Harry Potter, are the most obnoxious and petulant one I have ever had the displeasure of meeting."

"Fuck you. I wanted to fight a twoll and get a swowd."

"Five minutes!" Someone called from the staff table. "He's a hatstall!"

At that, the general volume of the Great Hall rose.

"Please," the hat said, "just go to Slytherin. Give it a chance. The house has produced just as many great witches and wizards as the others. They will understand you there. You'll make lots of friends."

Harry thought of Hermione, already sorted into Gryffindor, and of Ron, whose whole family was in that house. "No. I wanna be a Gwyffinow."

The hat sighed. "Well, I suppose that's an acceptable second choice, if you're going to be so stubborn. I'd still rather out you in Slytherin."

"No Swiverwin. Just Gwiffindow."

"If you insist. Just know that there's no going back once I place you in-"

"-GRYFFINDOR!"

The tension in the hall broke. The Gryffindor table erupted into deafening cheers, which mixed with shouts of disappointment rising from the other tables. Harry took off the mean hat and went to sit with Hermione for the rest of the sorting. He was relieved when Ron joined them as expected. He didn't want to lose his first friends on his first day.

Once all the new students were sorted, food appeared on the tables, so much that Harry could hardly believe he was seeing it. There was so much that nobody needed to limit anyones' portions, nobody could possibly eat enough to deprive anyone else. Harry stuffed his face in celebration. It was a glorious day.

After everyone had eaten, the headmaster Dumbledore gave a boring speech, telling them silly rules like 'stay out of the forest' and 'don't use the third floor corridor' and other things that were far too boring for someone who looked so much like Gandalf. When he was done speaking, they got to go to their dormitories. A prefect made sure everyone knew the password to the common room, and they filed in and split off to their beds. Harry has to share his room with Ron and two other boys, but the bed itself was as spacious as his room back home, so Harry didn't care. He cocooned himself in blankets and drifted off.


End file.
